Selflessly Selfish
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: "You always give everything away. Your time, your efforts, everything. Don't you keep anything for yourself?" It's true. I give every ounce of my being to my family. Except for one guilty little pleasure.
1. Selfless

_A/N: Just a little idea that popped into my head earlier. He's always giving his whole self to everyone and never asking anything in return._

 _Told from Leo's POV._

 **Selfless**

Sweat drips down my face and gathers in my mask, turning the fabric dark. My muscles burn as I complete my final set of katas. I've been training for the past seven hours - one with Sensei early this morning, three with my brothers after that, and the other three by myself - and I'm ready for a nice, hot shower. But just as I reach for my towel, a higher-pitched voice rings through the Lair.

"Hey, guys! Is Leo around?"

"Oh hey, Ape. Yeah, he's waiting for you in the dojo."

 _Crap. It's Thursday, isn't it? I forgot that I'm supposed to teach April today. Looks like the shower will have to wait._

A freckled face pops around the doorframe. My kunoichi friend smiles sheepishly. "Sorry I'm late," April apologizes. "They were having a parade or something on Second Street so I had to find an alternate route."

"It's okay," I tell her, even though my body is so tired that all I want to do is sleep. Not practice more katas for the next hour-and-a-half. But I grab the wooden practice swords off the weapons rack anyway, offering her a smile as we warm up.

After all, I'm a teacher now. And students come first.

* * *

Nearly three hours later, April waves goodbye to us and heads out the door. I walk into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, only to realize that we're completely out. A sigh escapes my lips and I add the items to our ever-growing list of groceries.

I grab a glass instead, filling it with the thirst-quenching clear liquid and drinking half in one gulp. The water sooths my parched throat and makes my eyes close in a moment of pleasure.

"Hey, Leo?"

Moment of pleasure over.

Judging by the look on Raph's face, whatever he has to say isn't going to make my aching body feel better. "Yes?"

"Could ya...uh...could ya give me a hand with somethin'?"

My eyeridges shoot up in disbelief. Raph wants _my_ help? In the back of my mind, I wonder vaguely if Hell has frozen over. "Sure. What's up?"

The brawler shuffles his feet, obviously on the fence about asking me for anything. "Case got drunk in that bar on Broad Street an' I need help ta get him home."

Yup. My body is _definitely_ not liking the thought of lugging our comatose hockey-stick-wielding-friend out of a bar and into his apartment.

But I sigh anyway, placing my half-finished glass onto the counter and following Raph out of the Lair. Because like it or not, Casey is a valuable team member. And as leader of that team, it's my job to make sure my followers are safe and healthy (or, in this case, as healthy as they can be).

* * *

After the grueling process of getting Casey back home and then trudging back to the Lair myself, I eagerly head for the bathroom - where the promise of a hot shower still waits. The only problem is that the bathroom is already occupied.

My heart drops when I hear the sound of retching from inside the white-tiled space. I slowly open the door to discover my youngest sibling hunched over the toilet. His face is pale but his eyes are puffy and red and filled with a look of exhaustion I recognize all too well.

Swallowing a sigh, I wet a wrag and press it to the back of his neck, then rub circles onto his shell until his vomiting has calmed down into heavy breathing. "You okay, little brother?"

"Been better," Mikey rasps. "Think I caught the bug that's going around."

Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he was playing in the ice-cold puddles after our most recent thunderstorm.

Either way, I help him stand up and maneuver him down the hall to his bedroom, where he sags into his bed. After pulling the covers up around him and placing a trashcan directly next to him on the floor, I find a couple Tylenol to ease his fever. He's asleep not long after swallowing the medicine. Just to be on the safe side, I go and inform Donnie of the incident so that he can properly check Mikey out. Then I walk back to the bathroom to clean up the mess.

My shower has waited this long. It can wait a little longer.

Family first. Always.

* * *

 _I've been going for fourteen hours straight._

The thought echoes dully in my brain while I grab a late-afternoon snack. I don't pay much attention to it, though. Long days are nothing new to me. I just wish that all this stuff wouldn't happen at once.

My stomach growls as my pizza heats up in the microwave. I haven't eaten anything since breakfast this morning - nearly twelve hours ago. And with all the running around I've done today, I'm absolutely starving. But it seems like our Turtle Luck has other plans for me.

Just as the microwave dings, Master Splinter calls out from the living room. "Leonardo, come here please."

Only twenty-three years of discipline keep me from swearing aloud. I release a quiet, long-suffering sigh and leave my steaming pizza sitting on the counter. "Hai, Sensei?"

"Would you aid me, my son? I seem to be having trouble accessing my stories, and your brother is currently occupied with one of his projects."

"Sure thing, Sensei." Within a few minutes, I've opened up the correct folder on the DVR and selected the recording he was looking for. He accepts the remote again happily, murmuring theories about the episode as I reenter the kitchen to retrieve my rapidly cooling food.

I down the pizza in three huge bites, chase it with a glass of ice water, and head to my bedroom to hopefully get some rest. Once again, Fate has other plans.

I find Donnie sitting on my bed waiting for me. He appraises me as I step into the room, his mahogany gaze troubled. "You seem tired, Leo."

 _You have no clue._ "I'm fine. Is there a particular reason why you're in my bedroom?"

"Oh, yeah. I was wondering if you'd be willing to accompany me on a junkyard run? There are a couple pieces that I need to pick up for the emergency generator. Plus I just _know_ I found the right part for the broken heater in Raph's bedroom. I couldn't grab it the other day, but I've got a little spare time now."

What he doesn't say - what he doesn't _have_ to say - is a silent reminder about Sensei's rule that at least two of us have to go to the junkyard. Nobody goes alone (thanks to a disastrous event that had to do with a flaming bicycle, rubber gloves, and a faulty string of Christmas lights).

At this point, I'm just about done with life. I'm about to drop dead from exhaustion, my feet are killing me, and my eyelids want to stay closed every time I blink. But Don just looks so hopeful, and he really _hasn't_ had time of his own lately to do with what he will. Who am I to crush his dreams?

So I nod, grabbing my Shell Cell and katana. Casting one last, longing glance at my pillow, I follow him out into the tunnels.

* * *

It's almost midnight when we return. I've officially been awake for nineteen hours. Which means I have training in five, and the whole cycle is about to start all over again.

My body shudders at that realization. I drop the scavenged parts off in Donnie's lab and head to my bedroom, locking the door behind me before anyone else can ask me to help them with something. I quickly slip off my belt and pads, depositing them neatly on my desk with my katana. And then, finally, I lay down in bed.

As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out.

Just another day in my life.

 **A/N: Yeah...wasn't sure how to end that. Be on the lookout for a part two called "Selfish." I have an idea for it, and hopefully it'll be written soon.**

 **Thanks for all the awesome support, guys. Seriously. Couldn't have done any of this without you, and lord knows that I've been a really crappy friend at times. So thank you for sticking with me this far. It means a lot.**

 **~ Queen**


	2. Selfish

_A/N: I'm honestly speechless. This story got 100 views in ONE DAY. That is a MASSIVE deal for me, guys. Thank you all so freaking much._

 _Also, this chapter is in no way, shape, or form meant to be yaoi. It's just brotherly fluff - nothing more. I don't support T-cest (you should know that by now, if you've been following me for any period of time XD)._

 _Let's get going, shall we?_

 **Selfish**

"Yer a real pain in my shell, ya know that?"

"That goes double for you!"

"Ya little...I wish ya were nevah made leader! That way I wouldn't have ta put up with ya screamin' at me all the time!"

"Like you would've done any better as leader."

"I wouldn't be yellin' as much, at least!"

"You're yelling right now! That's some sound logic there, Raphael."

He glares at me with hate-filled eyes, flipping me off before storming out of the Lair. I scrub my hands down my face and release a breath. I've been trying to work on reining in my tongue. Apparently it hasn't worked as well as I thought.

 _It's just because I was around him again. Every time I make progress he completely destroys it._

It's not a lie. Raph manages to get under my skin just enough that I want to throttle him. Every time.

After a long moment, I grab my phone and katana and head after him. Angry or not, he's still my brother, and still my responsibility. I follow him through the tunnels, staying far enough behind that he can't tell I'm there. He runs around the city for nearly three hours to blow off steam. As soon as he turns to go home, my shoulders relax a little bit. It means his temper has cooled down and he's thinking more rationally - ergo, less chance of him getting hurt.

I'm honestly surprised he's not staying out longer. Normally after a fight that almost reaches physical levels, Raph is out for five or more hours. But at least this way I can plan on getting _some_ rest tonight.

When I get home, my hotheaded brother is locked away in his room, which suits me just fine. I'd rather not have another confrontation with him. I head to my own bedroom, stripping off my gear and loosening my mask enough to pull down around my neck.

When I open the door, I find that my bed is occupied already. Mikey gazes up at me with bleary eyes. "You were following him again, weren't you." It's a statement, not a question. I nod and sigh a little bit, depositing my armful of leather and steel on the desk.

Everyone knows that Raph goes out when he's angry. But only Mikey knows that I follow him to make sure he's okay.

"It was shorter this time," I say quietly, slipping under the covers next to my youngest sibling. He snuggles up to me, pressing his warm body into mine and resting his head on my plastron. "It's a good sign. He might be getting a handle on everything."

"Yeah. Maybe."

The response is not one I expected. Not only are the words a foreign phrase coming from Mikey, but the tone with which they're said is also wrong. He spoke in such a detached way, as if his mind was a million miles away.

Fortunately, I don't have to prod. He follows that short response with a question. "...Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, little brother."

"Well...I was thinking about something the other day. Y'know, when I got sick?"

"Yeah..." I reply slowly, trying to figure out what he's trying to say.

"You just...you seem to help us all out an awful lot."

A small chuckle escapes my lips and I can feel myself relax a little. "It's part of my job description, Mike. Leader. Teacher. Brother. Friend."

"I know, I know. But I mean, like...you're either helping Raph take care of his bike or Casey, or helping Donnie with a project or a junkyard run, or helping me with whatever crazy schemes I cook up, or helping Sensei teach us or figure out one of his 'stories.' Or taking care of us when we're sick, even if we don't ask you to. Sometimes you do all of those things at once. You always give everything away. Your time, your efforts, _everything._ Don't you ever keep anything for yourself?"

My mouth turns up in a knowing smile. "Helping you guys is a reward in itself. When I see the relief on Raph's face, or hear Donnie oohing and ahhing over a new part he found, or hear you laughing, or listen to Sensei making commentary about his shows...that's what I keep for myself."

"Yeah, but...you gotta have something else. Hobbies, favorite TV shows, something. Something that's just yours. Something you can afford to be selfish about."

I lay there in silence for a long moment, staring up at the ceiling and trying to ignore the pounding of my heart. Because I _do_ have something that's just mine. Something I've never told anyone about. Something that brings me inexplicable joy. Something that unlocks the cage my heart is in and allows my spirit to soar.

I love to sing.

By society's standards, I suppose they'd say I have a pretty incredible voice. To me, I just sound like...me. I don't think there's really anything special about my voice. But it allows me to be free for even a little while. When I'm singing, my veins thrum with a peace that no amount of meditation can bring. I'm myself, fully and completely - not the leader or the older brother. I'm the person I left behind so many years ago to become a protector. I'm a boy with hopes and dreams. I'm flesh and bone and blood, not cold and deadly as steel.

Nobody has ever heard a single note escape my mouth (to the best of my knowledge). I only practice when I'm by myself - on solo patrols, or so late in the night that nobody else is awake. I don't want them to know about my secret pastime. If they did, it would just have to fade into the background because there wouldn't be time or place for it. It wouldn't fit with the mold I've been forced into.

So I keep it to myself. And for those rare moments, my spirit is really, truly flying. For those precious seconds, I'm finally free.

The smile on my face softens and I press a light kiss to his head, knowing full well that he's already fast asleep. "I have enough," I tell him in a near-whisper. "I promise."

 **A/N: Yeah...so that's it. What'd you guys think?**

 **If you want me to do some more stories like this, let me know. I'd happily oblige.**

 **Once again, thanks for the amazing support, everyone. Seriously.**

 **~ Queen**


	3. Sing

_A/N: By popular demand (which I **still** cannot believe, by the way), I'm posting another chapter. I'd intended this to be only one or two, but I don't want to leave you guys hanging. Especially not with a response like this. (So thank you again!)_

* * *

 **Sing**

 _A few days later..._

My breath comes short and fast. Every muscle screams for relief. My eyes sting with the sweat dripping off my forehead. But I keep going, keep pushing. _More. Faster. Better._

I've been in the dojo for hours already. It's nearly midnight now, and everyone has long since gone to bed (or at least to their own bedrooms). Finally, I finish my last kata and sheathe my weapons.

And then I drop to the floor, panting and exhausted. The tatami mats suddenly feel more inviting and comfortable than they ever have before. _Nobody would know if I just took a little nap..._

The screaming is what wakes me.

My eyelids fly open and I'm running down the hall before I'm even fully awake. I burst into Mikey's bedroom, massive amounts of adrenaline surging in my veins.

He's tossing and turning, tangled up in sweat-drenched sheets. His screams are louder now - anguished. Whatever he's dreaming about isn't good. I'm next to his bed in two seconds, putting my arms around him and pulling him close. He thrashes against me to try and break my hold but I'm stronger.

"Mikey! Mikey, it's okay! You're safe! I got you, little brother. I got you. It's okay."

Slowly, so slowly, he stills and his breathing evens out. My shoulders slump a little in relief. The adrenaline is starting to wear off and it's leaving me completely drained. I scoot down in the bed, making sure that Mikey is still close. A melody fills the air, soothing and familiar - one that Sensei used to hum when we were children. Except somehow it has words this time.

I don't even realize what I've done until a startled pair of baby-blue eyes is locked onto my face. "Leo...you can sing?" he whispers.

It takes a moment before his words register. Then panic floods through me and my brain desperately searches through the memory of the past few minutes. _That can't be right. Nobody knows I sing. I was careful to keep it that way._ And yet...

That melody came from somewhere. And I'm beginning to realize that that somewhere was my own vocal cords. "Mikey, I-"

He sits up, then, wide-awake. And grinning. "You never told us you could sing!"

"Shh!" I hiss, reaching out to cover his mouth with my hand. "Keep it down, would you? It's after midnight now."

 _"Buff oo ahn eeng."_

My shoulders sag and I release him, dropping my gaze to the floor. "...yes."

Mikey's smile fades as he realizes something. "You're not happy about it. Are you?" His tone is softer now. Warmer. But confused all the same.

"I'm fine with being able to sing, Mike. It's just...I'm not fine with you knowing."

"Why not?"

"Because now that you know, Donnie and Raph are gonna find out. And then Sensei will find out, and he'll make me stop because it's not an ability I should focus on as leader. And I-I don't want to stop."

"But dude...you've got an awesome talent. You should share that with other-"

"No. Not gonna happen. I'm sorry." It shouldn't have even happened in the first place. I'm so stupid.

He falls silent. But that silence is more than enough of a response. I can feel how hurt he is by my statement. A sigh escapes my lips. "Mikey...when I'm singing? That's the only time I ever feel _free._ The only time I'm _not_ the leader. The time when I can actually be myself."

"...it's an amazing gift, Leo. It really is. Think about how it could help people."

"Help- Mike, we're _ninja._ We stick to the shadows, only coming out when necessary, and then we disappear again. Singing has no place in a world like ours."

"Look. You're scared. I get it-"

"I'm _not_ scared!"

"Yes, you are," Mikey snaps, pinning the full weight of his icy blue eyes on me. "You're _terrified._ You're scared to lose the one thing that makes you a normal person. You're scared to go outside of your comfort zone. And I can understand that. I mean, shell. You think that I really wanted you guys to find out that I could cook? No. But it turns out that I'm not terrible at cooking, and even though it might suck sometimes because you guys can't cook worth a crap and I have to make all the food around here, it's not a bad thing that you know. It's helped us survive this long."

"Yeah, but singing is _different,_ Mikey. How the shell will singing help us survive?"

"It calmed me down, didn't it?"

"Calming you down after a nightmare is not helping us survive."

"You don't know that. My screaming might have drawn the attention of Foot Ninja or Kraang, and then they would've found the Lair and wiped us out. But because you sang to me, I calmed down enough to stop screaming. That means the Lair is safe and so are we."

His theory isn't completely implausible. Which means that I can't argue with him. His expression softens some and he places a gentle hand on my cheek.

"It's okay to be scared," he whispers. "But you can't let that fear control you. It's just like Sensei told us that one time. 'A ship in a harbor is safe, but that's not why ships were built.'"

A shaky breath escapes my lips and I pause for just a moment before closing my eyes. A lone tear slips down my cheek and he wipes it away with his thumb.

"...if you want, I won't tell the others. It'll stay just between you and me."

A weight lifts off my chest and I nod almost imperceptibly. "Thank you," I murmur, pulling away. "Now, are you okay? Do you want me to stay in here with you?"

Mikey offers a sheepish grin, shrugging. "Nah. I'm a big kid, Leo. But...ah...could you maybe leave the door open?"

"Of course I can."

Right before I leave his room, however, he calls me back. "Hey, Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you maybe...could you sing me to sleep?"

My heart skips a beat and my cheeks flush. He wants to hear me sing again. "Sure."

I walk back over to his bed and sit down on the edge of it, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.

And I sing.

 **A/N: And that's it, guys. That's as far as I'm going to take this particular book...unless, of course, more is requested. ;)**

 **Thank you once again for all of the awesome support. I really wouldn't be here without you guys - I probably would've given up on writing so long ago.**

 **Until next time...**

 **-KB**


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